Ready for more kid humor? Today I have a new list for you, taken from the “Kids Log” I’ve kept since 2005 to capture the crazy goings-on at my house. You can catch up if you missed On Filial Cannibalism – and- Weird Stuff Kids Say, Part 1.
Sometimes the humor comes from my music students or my friends’ children. Unfortunately, sometimes I’m the one who [unintentionally] gives everyone a laugh. (Came out of my mouth yesterday: “It’s a spider, not the apocalypse!”) Ahem. Well, enjoy.
1. To get to the freeway, I took a shortcut through a rough neighborhood in Las Vegas. The twins (age 5) in the backseat noticed a boarded-up corner bar that had probably hit its stride in the 80s.
Panda Boy: “Ooh, look. That’s where zombies live.”
Baby Princess: “No, silly. Zombies are fake. Terrorists live there. We should make a sign: Beware of the terrorists.”
2. Overheard in a Sunday school lesson:
Teacher: “What should you do in the morning, before you eat, and before you go to bed?” (prompting the children to answer, “Pray.”)
4-yr-old boy: “Go potty!”
3. I caught then-4-yr-old Flirty Boy running around the house wearing absolutely nothing but a superhero cape. I asked what on earth he was doing. He said, “I’m Naked Man!”
4. Baby Princess (5): “When I see something cute, I just want to squeeze the heck out of it!”
5. Panda Boy (5), out grocery shopping with Dad: “Hey Dad, can we get something I want?”
Dad: “What do you want to get?”
Panda Boy: “I don’t know, let’s start with the toy section. Where is the toy section?”
6. Just came out of my mouth: “Stop choking each other, and clean your room!”
7. My friend was watching To Catch a Thief (1955, Cary Grant, Grace Kelly). Her then-5-yr-old daughter watched too, but she looked perplexed.
Girl: “What happened to the color?”
Mom: “It’s an old movie, in black and white.”
Girl: “Then we should have watched it when it was new.”
8. Panda Boy, trying his hand at flirting, sidled up to one of my violin students, a pretty 10-yr-old girl, and winked. “Psst. Hey, I’ll buy you a pink Iron Man suit. Or what’s your favorite color?”
9. Decked out in a superhero costume and looking very serious, Flirty Boy (then 4) sat huddled by Baby Princess (then 6 mos) in her bouncy chair. I asked what was going on.
Flirty Boy: “She’s my partner. She’s Supergirl.”
Me: “Great. But what does she do?”
Flirty Boy: “Well, mostly she just sits there, but she does have powers. Red stuff comes out of her eyes, and it gets the bad guys.”
Me: “You mean laser beams?”
Flirty Boy: “Yes! That’s it.” Then he turned back to Baby Princess, consulting her about what to do with the bad guys.
10. As it drew near Drama Boy’s 5th birthday, I sat him down and asked what was on his wish list. I had to write fast:
“Harry Potter, Ron, and Hermione toys. An airplane like Uncle Murrey’s. More Clone Troopers. Go, Diego Go video. I wish I could have a green Buzz Lightyear, Jessie and Bullseye. Probably, new Star Wars guys. More fruit, and a new suitcase, and a new violin for my birthday. And I wish that I could play the piano. And I want all of the Shrek toys, and Nemo, and Incredibles. Hmm, and a new black fish to put in that tank.” (The old one died.)
“I’d like to grow up on my birthday. And I’d love a black Batman suit, and a speeder bike, and I’d like a new fan for you, because that would be a good present, but it’s not your birthday, is it? Oh, and new tools, and new diesel trucks – green, purple, brown, and black – those trucks, okay? And a new toy house, another Superman, and a notebook. And let’s not get a black fish, let’s get a blue fish.”
He finally takes a breath, but he’s not done. “I’ll take numbers for my birthday.”
Me: “What do you mean, numbers?”
Drama Boy: “One, two, three, four, five…” (and on to 20). “That’s what I mean. And new water for my bathtub. And I’d like Cinderella, and Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty, yeah that will be great. Oh, and I like letters. A, B, C, D, E, F, G…” (and on through X, Y, and Z). “I like those letters. And new shampoo, and a new drain for my bathtub. I’d like Penguin and Joker and Catwoman. I’d like new towels too, and new toothbrushes for Mom and Dad. Did I say semi-trucks? A blue and a red one? And some new droids from Star Wars, and light sabers: green, blue, purple, red. No, two blue light sabers, so we can be Anakin and Obi-Wan. And new video games for my computer. And that’s all.”
- As always, I’d love to hear your funny kid stories. Post here in the comments or send a message using the “Links” tab. Entertain us!