My son woke me up at three in the morning to tell me he couldn’t sleep. On my housekeeping checklist: “scrape goo off door.” More than once I’ve explained to the police that the 911 call came from a kid who can’t even count to ten. And you already know about the vaseline incident…
We shouldn’t be superstitious, but all evidence supports the theory that when your mother said, “Someday you’ll have a child just like YOU!” she actually invoked a curse that will manifest at ironically timed moments of your life. How else could I explain why the school principal has me on speed dial?
In case the twins’ 2nd grade teacher wasn’t clear about what’s going on at the Densley house, Baby Princess turned in this very informative writing assignment on how her mom is The Dragon Lady. It’s just page two you’re seeing here — page one goes into detail about my transformation. Incidentally, she earned an A.
Just this past weekend, Panda Boy blurted to our dinner guests, “I wish my dad married someone else. So he could stay in Hawaii, and swing from the trees, and stuff.”
And when a friendly grandma-aged lady standing in the grocery line acted surprised to hear my seven-year-olds were twins, Panda Boy said, “Yes, we are twins. We don’t look alike, but we both have a butt, and we can swim.”
The last time I left the twins with a sitter, I asked her to make sure they cleaned their room before watching a movie. She said they’d gotten too quiet and so went to check on them, only to find them making a contraption out of rolled paper and masking tape. She said they claimed to be building a “cleaning robot,” which they expected would come to life and finish cleaning their room. They tried to get out of trouble by offering to send the robot home with the sitter so it would clean her room too. I figured it was good birth control, if nothing else.
Going out in public with a three-year-old is always risky, but I would’ve taken a temper tantrum over Drama Boy’s belting out the song to every Target shopper in a three-aisle radius, “Old MacDonald had a bum! E-I-E-I-Oooh!” I’d never gotten so many dirty looks. Yes, yes, I teach my children perverted nursery rhymes, thank you very much.
I don’t think I told you about the time I heard chuckling from the people sitting on the pew behind us in church. I turned around to catch then-two-year-old Flirty Boy squeezing his fingers through the crack in the seat to drop squishy frog toys onto the shoes of the people behind us.
DB: “Hey, cut that out. Or do you want to obey, and get in trouble?” (I don’t think he understood how to make a threat)
DB: “Good choice!”
And that about sums up my parenting experience so far: My kids are perfectly content to get into trouble.
But that’s all right, because I’ve already told them, “Someday, when you grow up, you’re going to have a child… just like YOU!”
Thanks for reading! Catch up on the Weird Stuff Kids Say, Parts 1-6