Kids have an uncanny knack for embarrassing grown-ups. Most young children can’t tell time, yet their sense of timing is impeccable. That, combined with their tendency to say exactly what’s on their mind, makes for some red-faced moments. Sadly, for me, these 10 stories aren’t even the worst of it. I’m not telling those.
1. Totally enamored with their uncle who came home from Marine basic training with a regulation butch cut, 3-yr-old Drama Boy and 2-yr-old Flirty Boy pumped their fists and shouted “Hoo-rah!” at every bald man at Wal-Mart.
2. Toddler Flirty Boy had trouble forming “C” sounds. He said “tlat-lette” for chocolate, which I thought was kind of cute. Too bad he kept calling my flute student Colette, “Hi, Toi-lette!”
3. My friend’s helpful 6-yr-old daughter loves to answer the phone, but the other day she told a caller the embarrassing truth: “Sorry, my mom can’t come to the phone right now. She’s in the shower with my dad.”
4. I kept catching 3-yr-old Panda Boy with one leg out of the shopping cart, trying to climb out and run away. I must have looked like the Dragon Lady when I turned and did that yell-whisper-thing angry moms do in public, “No! You stay in that cart, or so help me -” Before I could finish, he plopped down in the cart, folded his arms and started praying, one eye open to see if his trick had worked. The fitting room clerk thought it was hilarious.
5. Before I learned to keep my lingerie on the top shelf, 2-yr-old Flirty Boy came downstairs to greet the visitors from our church group tangled in my bra. One strap under his chin, the other around his leg like a parachute harness, and one cup domed on top of his head with the other covering his groin. “Hi, Elders!”
6. Someone asked Baby Princess (5 yrs old) what she wants to do when she grows up. She said, “I want to go to college,” and I was so proud, until she added, “I want to study shopping, because I just love it so much.”
7. Our family has a tradition at birthday parties about chanting a goofy rhyme, “bonking” the recipient in the head with the present, and then the birthday boy or girl wishes the giver something in return for the present. It’s customary to wish Grandpa a trip to Brasil, an uncle a new motorbike, an aunt perfect grades in school, and someone always wishes for a baby. At Flirty Boy’s 4th birthday party, he wished his aunt and uncle a cow.
8. I explained to an impatient 4-yr-old Drama Boy that I needed to comb my hair and brush my teeth before we could go grocery shopping. He took it upon himself to make it a Public Service Announcement. “Mama’s teeth all dirty!” he told anyone at Wal-Mart who would listen.
9. Our pest control man explained that living near a flood canal attracts pests, such as cockroaches and mice, and told us what to do to keep them out. Panda Boy (5 yrs old) really took it to heart. He yelled at anyone who came over, “Quick – shut the door! We have roaches! And mice!”
10. My friend took 4-yr-old Drama Boy with her to a teacher supply store, and lost sight of him after speaking with a clerk. The sound of adults laughing drew her to the front display window. Drama Boy had climbed inside and stripped completely naked – lying on a vibrating massage mat.
That’s it, friends – unless you want to tell me how a kid made you blush. Come on, let’s hear it!