January: I’m going to lose 30 pounds, get a master’s in anthropology, volunteer as a candy striper every Wednesday and at the library every Thursday. Call Grandma every Friday, vacuum the stairs and dust the picture frames every week. Teach yoga. First learn how to do yoga. Finish workout before watching TV. Quit yelling at the kids. Never eat alfredo sauce or Cheetos again, and eat eight servings of vegetables a day. Cut back chocolate consumption to coincide with monthly hormone riot. Toilet train the cat.
February: Lose 10 pounds, change graduate program to Master of Human Resources, donate used books to the library. Vacuum the stairs before Easter. Blow the dust off the picture frames on my way down the stairs. Tell the kids to call Grandma. Do yoga poses while watching TV. Only yell at the kids when they tell twenty Chuck Norris jokes in a row. Eat pasta with alfredo sauce on the side. Buy the snack-size bag of Cheetos instead of the family bag. Hormones riot all the time, so chocolate is fair game. Teach cat to shake hands.
July: Lose 50 pounds. What use is a graduate degree anyway in this economy? Check out three books a month from the library, and read them. Send Grandma a postcard. Digging toes into the sand counts as a workout, and reading a vampire warrior novel on the beach is my monthly literary experience. Cut out alfredo sauce and Cheetos — but no one said anything about ice cream. Don’t forget to pick up kids from summer camp. Turn TV off after one season of “Lost” on Netflix. Wash the dishes before they stack higher than the faucet. Hide chocolate wrappers. Get cat to stop drinking out of the toilet.
October: Donate skinny jeans to Goodwill. Pay library fine. Leave glasses on bedstand so I don’t see the dust. Watch Henry Cavill work out on TV. Chocolate comes from the cocoa bean, so that’s a vegetable. Teach cat to take a nap.
December: The diet starts in January. At least I trained the cat.