The Evolution of New Year’s Resolutions

January: I’m going to lose 30 pounds, get a master’s in anthropology, volunteer as a candy striper every Wednesday and at the library every Thursday. Call Grandma every Friday, vacuum the stairs and dust the picture frames every week. Teach yoga. First learn how to do yoga. Finish workout before watching TV. Quit yelling at the kids. Never eat alfredo sauce or Cheetos again, and eat eight servings of vegetables a day. Cut back chocolate consumption to coincide with monthly hormone riot. Toilet train the cat.

tape measureFebruary: Lose 10 pounds, change graduate program to Master of Human Resources, donate used books to the library. Vacuum the stairs before Easter. Blow the dust off the picture frames on my way down the stairs. Tell the kids to call Grandma. Do yoga poses while watching TV. Only yell at the kids when they tell twenty Chuck Norris jokes in a row. Eat pasta with alfredo sauce on the side. Buy the snack-size bag of Cheetos instead of the family bag. Hormones riot all the time, so chocolate is fair game. Teach cat to shake hands.

July: Lose 50 pounds. What use is a graduate degree anyway in this economy? Check out three books a month from the library, and read them. Send Grandma a postcard. Digging toes into the sand counts as a workout, and reading a vampire warrior novel on the beach is my monthly literary experience. Cut out alfredo sauce and Cheetos — but no one said anything about ice cream. Don’t forget to pick up kids from summer camp. Turn TV off after one season of “Lost” on Netflix. Wash the dishes before they stack higher than the faucet. Hide chocolate wrappers. Get cat to stop drinking out of the toilet.

October: Donate skinny jeans to Goodwill. Pay library fine. Leave glasses on bedstand so I don’t see the dust. Watch Henry Cavill work out on TV. Chocolate comes from the cocoa bean, so that’s a vegetable. Teach cat to take a nap.

December: The diet starts in January. At least I trained the cat.


  1. Lol 😀
    I don’t make resolutions. Just set goals day to day. It’s easier that way and less overwhelming. And one never takes chocolate out of the diet 😉

    • hehe I don’t really “do” resolutions either, as you can see. They’re too easy to poke fun of. Don’t you think that if we really want to do something, we make it happen, whether or not it’s January 1? And thanks for stopping by, Lori. Great to hear from you, friend.

      • I totally agree Moriah. If you want to change something in June about you, don’t wait six months for what you think is a “fresh” start. Last year in April I decided I wanted to lose weight. I went from 152 to 138 now. I was less, but I’ve slacked. I can at least say I kept 10lbs off. My goal is to eventually get down to 125….eventually. But I am doing it on my time. Either way….I hope those goals are just to poke fun cause woman, you do not need to lose weight!

        • Hey, Amy – You’re already halfway there!!! Good for you. Keep it up, girl! I’m mostly making fun here, not only because I’ve done this, but also because I think the excuses I use for procrastinating are ridiculous.

  2. LOL

  3. hahahahahaha Moriah, that’s was greatness! Excellent progression of our life goals! 😉

  4. ROFL!!! Are these really your goals for 2014?! 😀 They are fantastic! But I was thinking, if the diet plan starts in December for the following January, all of the “losing pounds” haven’t started then from the beginning of that year correct? Am I just thinking to hard? I think I am. 🙂

    • I’m mostly just making fun of myself here. My excuses are pretty lame, and sadly I’m not exaggerating all that much, hehe. I try to keep in shape, but junk food really calls to me, and I love being lazy. Just not an eye-of-the-tiger person by nature. And you’re the pounds don’t add up, I just think at the New Year we all think big, then we fizzle out a bit, but once it’s swimsuit season the motivation comes back a bit. At least it’s like that for me… Do you do New Year’s Resolutions, ki pha?

  5. Lisy Spaun says:

    Ha ha ha!!! That is exactly how I feel! The family and I are going on a trip to Florida in March and I really want to lose some weight, but I doubt that will happen. And as far as potty training the cat, two out of three of mine don’t even cover their “leavings”. *facepalm

    • hehe Lisy, I didn’t know you were a “cat person” too. I’m jealous you’re going on a trip to Florida. Be sure to post photos! And maybe the cats should stay at a kitty hotel instead of running free in the house, considering their habits.

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